From Supermom to #MommyFail and Back

Greetings, and welcome to my latest writing endeavor...and experiment! I am a communicator. I love to write and to speak, whether it's to a captive audience or in conversation with interesting people. My professional expertise deals with Mexico's drug war and border security issues, and I write and speak a LOT about these issues in various forms. However, I never write and rarely speak about one of the biggest aspects of my life: the fact that I've had multiple sclerosis for over nine years, and it affects everything that I do. I was diagnosed while I was on active duty in the Air Force in January 2005, and was medically retired as a result six months later. My husband and I had just gotten married a few months earlier, so it really turned our new little world together upside down.

Fast-forward nine years later, and we're doing really well. We have two happy and healthy children, I run a successful home-based business, and we lead relatively normal lives. However, my day-to-day life is not really the norm. My MS has gone from the generally tolerable relapsing-remitting variety to the more aggressive secondary progressive form. I can't walk without some sort of device, meaning a cane, a walker, or electric scooter, depending on the distance and terrain involved. We have a nanny who helps me take care of our youngest son so he can have a normal childhood with trips to museums and the zoo, and the ability to play with someone outside while his older brother is in school.

Fortunately, my professional life hasn't really been impacted by my MS. My brain and hands work fine, which means I can write and speak clearly--two skills that are quite necessary for my line of work! TV interviews are usually shot from the chest up, so I'm perfectly capable of sitting in a chair and speaking to a camera. I have enough energy and endurance to teach a full-day class, even though I do have to teach from a chair or stool, and I can regularly attend events for the two local chambers of commerce here in Tucson of which I'm a member.

But make no mistake; this life isn't easy. I've come to accept that Daddy is the favorite parent, because while I can feed and bathe and clothe and teach my kids, he's the one who can swing them around, run races, swim in the pool, and go on hikes with them. I can participate in most family and school activities, but not all, and sometimes only from a distance. Traveling for my work is both a treat and a burden, requiring lots of planning, special accommodations, and adjustments to unforeseen circumstances. However, all this means I derive a great sense of accomplishment from tiny things: getting from one side of a gravel play area to another with a wheeled walker, successfully navigating a cramped and crowded formal luncheon in a scooter, and really believing--if only for a minute--that the person I'm talking to is completely oblivious to my disability.

I don't really know if I'm writing this new blog for myself or for others. Many people say journaling is a good outlet for anyone going on any kind of physical or emotional journey, and it's odd that as a writer, I haven't done this type of writing yet. I've been called "inspiring" by many people, but I find that both humbling, flattering, and embarrassing; many of my days are about surviving another 24 hours and not about projecting any sort of success story. That being said, overall I think I'm doing okay. I'm learning that with enormous amounts of support from my husband and children, family and friends, and even total strangers, I'm accomplishing a lot of things that many able-bodied people aren't, and that makes me proud. If my exploits, fumbles, joys, or tears can help someone else relate or get them moving in a better direction, then putting my daily journey with MS out there will definitely be worth it.