On Touching Me Without Permission...

I was going through my Twitter feed this morning and came across this really interesting article on Vox.com titled "Are you a jerk to people with disabilities without even knowing it?" The story is basically about Scope, "a British group which advocates for people with disabilities, [that] has partnered with the advertising firm Grey London and TV presenter Alex Brooker to make a clever series of ads meant to help non-disabled people avoid being awkward (and, you know, actively offensive) when interacting with people with disabilities." The ads are pretty clever, and I have to admit, it'd be pretty cool if those aired here in the US, where we think we're oh-so-PC about these sorts of things. So I thought I'd offer my own perspective on people who think they're trying to help and, in reality, really aren't.

I'd like to preface these experiences by saying that in my professional travels and encounters with strangers, people have been nothing but extraordinarily kind and generous to me. Much of this awkwardness and insensitivity is borne out of benevolent ignorance and inexperience being around people with a disability. I'm just hoping maybe it will help you understand how to perhaps approach someone the right way when that instinct to assist hits you.

The day before yesterday, I was in San Diego to give a presentation to a civic group about my new book, Border Insecurity. It was at a lovely Italian restaurant, and the presentation itself went great! I met a lot of awesome people, and as you can see in the picture of me sitting next to my trusty walker with a glass of wine in my hand, it was a relaxing and enjoyable experience. It was a tight space in the room, and people had no problem getting up and sliding chairs or tables to the side so I could squeeze through with my walker to my designated spot.

After everything was done, I walked out with the event's organizer to get to the car taking me back to my hotel. The valet guy saw us and immediately said he wanted to help me however he could. I said very casually that I was fine, I do this all the time. He insisted. I got to the small curb and did what I usually do--just turned around, stepped off the curb backwards, then pulled the walker down in front of me. However, without asking permission, the valet grabbed my arm in an attempt to support me and help.

This exact scenario happens to me frequently, where people automatically try to hold me up or touch me in some way that they feel is helpful. It is ALWAYS without asking or me granting permission, and it's pretty infuriating. How many of you reading this like having complete strangers touching you without permission? Exactly. It's also often most unhelpful because it throws my already precarious balance completely off. And just as another reminder, I do this every single day. I limp around the side of my car when I get out and pull my walker or scooter out of the trunk all by myself, then put it back in when I'm done. I get into stores or offices or restaurants--many times with a curb that needs to be negotiated--by myself. This isn't a defiant statement like my almost-4 year-old makes when he says "I can do it by myself!!" It's just that I, and other people like me, have learned through experience how to do these things for ourselves out of necessity.

This isn't to say I have a problem asking for help. Trust me, I don't! Prime example: Thursday evening getting into the car taking me TO the restaurant. My right leg has a tendency to stiffen up when I'm getting into a car, and the more I stress about hurrying up, the stiffer and straighter it gets. That night I was in a tight dress and trying to get into the rather small back seat of a Prius. I made it most of the way in, and my foot/shoe got stuck in the corner where the door hinges on to the car. I awkwardly asked the driver if he would mind helping me. I told him exactly what to do with my foot and what I would do with my leg to help it bend and get into the car. It worked out just fine. A few minutes later, I joked that traveling with MS was always an adventure, and he told me a good friend and former bandmate of his has had MS for many years, so he was familiar with the trials and tribulations of the disease. We ended up having a really great conversation for the duration of the 30-minute drive.

So the lesson I hope to impart on all you kind and generous folk who want nothing more than to genuinely help a person in need? Just ask first. Don't make any assumptions about what a disabled person can or can't do on his/her own. They managed to get around before you came upon them, and will continue to do so after you walk away. If they need something, they'll ask. And maybe sometimes they won't because they don't want to bother anyone, but they'll LOVE the fact that you asked first, especially if it involves bodily contact. In the meantime, keep opening doors, picking up things that have been dropped, or grabbing an item that is just out of reach, because these are all things we should strive to do regardless of another person's abilities :).